Home of Jules

Last night went to chill over a drink with Sis. Initially wanted to go to Finnegan’s cause I miss my Snakebite (cider with ribena). But in the end we went to Havana instead. Sis asked a waitress a blonde question when we sat down lol.

Sis: Are all of these smoking area?
Me: …
Waitress: Yes, yes.
Sis: Oh… Oh, duh, of course it’s a smoking area, this is a freaking cigar club.
Me: Well, yeahhh XD

So we each had our cocktails, and chit chatted for the whole hour til closing time. I like it, finally at this age, we both are on the same channel, and could spend time as sisters. Our 7-year age gap made it very difficult through the first 25 years of my life lol. She’s staying at Concorde itself, so she just walked me back to my car and I drove home alone. There was a freaking roadblock and I was stopped by the police officer.

Officer: Moi, selamat pagi, pergi mana ni?
Me: Balik rumah.
Officer: Sorry ya, boleh tanya, ada minum ke?
Me: Takde.
Officer: Ok, boleh jalan.

Ok… That was weird lol. He just trusted my word for it XD Or is there a policy or law about stopping females driving alone late at night?

Sharon, or also widely known by her alias, Shironu, in the cosplaying scene, was the younger sister of someone I know. She was born on the same year as my own little brother. I got close to her at one point when I was active in the Comic Fiesta forum many years ago. I remember her bubbliness well. Initially she’s like the annoying little kid, very talkative, really outspoken, and a little impatient. But as I got to know her more, she’s actually a very sweet girl. She’s optimistic, caring, loving… Hardly seen her without a smile on her face.

I remember that one shopping trip we had at Sungei Wang. I remember when I bumped into her at the KTM station. Everything that I remember about her will only be in memory… Because she passed away 2 years ago from cancer. She was barely 19.

The day I found out that she has left this world… I was shocked. Despite that I knew all the while about her battle with osteosarcoma since she was 16 or 17. I mean, she was so young! I cried in disbelief. During the Relay for Life that year, I dedicated 2 luminaria bags in tribute of Sharon. Memories about her aren’t much, but thinking about her made me cry on the spot.

A video about her story was made public recently. Do check it out at this link.

We miss you dearly, Sharon… You will never be forgotten.
1989~2008

Sometimes just have to be mean to get the message across. Because some people just don’t get it. I know it’s not intentional, but the things they do just seems to push me to have no choice but to be a little mean. I don’t like to be like this, but this is just something that I have to do. Just hope for some understanding and no hard feelings. I know I’m expected to just trust whatever I hear, but I can’t. It’s just not that simple. I’ve not seen everything in the world, but I believe that I’ve seen enough to know roughly what is going on and what it’s about. Kinda irks me a little that some guys generalise girls as being the same, then some guys think that girls nowadays are still gullible to sweet talk, and some guys don’t even respect a girl like they should.

Things don’t really go the way you’d think it would be, huh? Well, that’s just life, kids. Tough. It’s worth to take some time off and see things from the bigger picture.

It’s Wesak Day today. So the family visited the temple last night. It’s somewhat calming for me to be there. As I sat there, listening to the chants, looking at that big statue of Buddha. In my heart I wished to be free from anymore pain and sorrow. Got into some sort of emo moment and almost cried lol. Tahan la, it’ll be so weird to cry in the temple

Sometimes it’s just so hard. I wanna be firm on a different approach and I’m actually all ego about it that I don’t mess it up. As tough and strong as I am, I’m still soft in some ways. I’m determined to do things my way now, but things happen that makes this shaky for me. And I hate it that it’s so hard to keep to one thing. Especially when people won’t cooperate lol.

It’s so fucked up when I start to feel something that I shouldn’t. Kinda hate it that it sneaks up to me like that. And I can’t trust the feeling. But it’s still there, despite being ignored. Distractions are oh, so temporary. Sigh, don’t know what to do about it sometimes. I was so determined not to let things like this bother me anymore, but it still does! And I don’t even know why! Annoying as hell when I can’t figure it out.

Still in the midst of QLC (quarter life crisis). I’m starting to understand it but at times things just go complicated all over again.

I wish I know the absolute truth. Then maybe I would be at peace again. Or not. Shall I confront or just wait in confusion?

Feels so stupid to be like this. I’m not a kid anymore, I should know what to do, but why do I not? >.<

Omg I had the funkiest dream ever!

There were a group of us friends (but in reality I have no idea who they are lol). Just having fun hanging out and stuff. Then I noticed that one of them had a odd thing in his backpack, and turns out it’s a timed explosive ^^”’ He disconnected it (so easily) and suspected that it was one of us who put it there to kill him (why would we be hanging around him if he were to blow up anytime lol). So he put some sort of a curse on all of us. We lost the sense of loving, and more significantly, all of our eyes were completely black with goldish spots. Yeah, very the alien lol. People fear us, so nobody would love us anymore. I remember I had some sort of attitude lol, like a bully or something. I wore shades to hide the eyes, and thought that my life was fucked up that nobody will ever look at me again without me striking fear. So might as well make it fun for myself lol.

There was no ending cause my mom woke me up lol. Yet another dream that doesn’t make sense. Except in movies. In this case, sci-fi lol.

I really wish there was a way to decipher my dreams, because more often than not, my dreams are not the common dreams that you could just find the interpretations online. I’m confused enough about myself as it is, the dreams had to make me even more confused XD

Is it just me, or is time ticking by really fast these days? My goodness, almost half of the year already! I remember about 10 years ago or so, I was hoping for time to go faster so that I could be a grown up soon. Now that I am, time doesn’t seem to be slowing down! But you know what? At this age, it feels that life has just begun. For me anyway. Given just a year ago, my judgement on things would be different from my mindset right now. And even more different from the previous years. It’s funny to think about it sometimes lol. I didn’t realise things when it was happening and was constantly in denial. Now it feels like it was so stupid lol. But I guess that’s just life, right? We fall and we get up, and we learn and we improve.

I’m not sure if I’m making any sense now cause I’m strangely tired, and it’s barely even 9.30pm lol.

Oh, Sis is boarding the plane soon, will see her in the morning ^^ It’s a bit weird this time around because for the first time, Bro isn’t here when she is lol. Yippee, what shall the CJ sisters do this time without the annoying little brother ^^ Haha! Lots of late night drinks, I presume hehe.

It’s the Monday of my week-long break from work. So nice to be chilling at home hehe.

Sometimes I wonder, how has the world evolved and advanced in such a way that people can’t be trusted so easily anymore? There seems to be a very low level of sincerity and innocence in the society nowadays. It really is a dog-eat-dog world out there. Every man (or woman) for him(or her)self. But then again, one can never know, right? There are a minority of them who really are purer at heart than others, those without motives and intentions. But how do you know? How to be sure, for sure??

You wish to be one who puts absolute trust on the people around you, because it’s the positive thing to do. But you can’t afford to trust them so easily, for fear of being hurt should that trust be broken. Because when something seems too good to be true, it probably really is too good to be true, but maybe it isn’t really as what you think. Oh, you wish to be an optimist and have only positive thoughts in your head. But the society will attack you for exactly that! To survive in this world, especially in the city, even an optimist will need to be prepared with some sort of doubt to protect oneself.

Because the world is eeeeevil XD Heh heh…

Now… Would you agree with me if I say that promises mean nothing these days? Absolutely nothing at all. It’s way too easy to promise something. It’s also easy to forget the promises you have given. The only people who would remember the promises are the taken-for-granted recipients of the promises. And these are precisely the people who had put in the trust that those promises would be fulfilled, only to be hurt and disappointed in the end. How can one trust another empty promise?

“Ok ok, I promise, trust me!”
“I’ll do this and that, I will, I promise you.”
“Just trust me on this one, alright?”

So so cliche to give that kind of false hope. Regardless of whether the matter is big or small, trust is not something to toy around with. Trust needs to be earned, not promised! Once that trust is earned, for goodness sake, treasure it, appreciate it! Don’t go fucking around with it, because once it’s broken, it will never ever be mended wholly again. Ever. You can try, by making MORE promises. But you will never get that sort of trust anymore. Believe me you, that’s how much damage it makes.

I promise that I’m speaking the truth here. Trust me. Lol XD

The only people who fully understand in detail about what I’ve been going through lately and even before are Jocey and Iks. I didn’t think I need to explain myself to everyone else in my life, but now I feel kind of misunderstood. Maybe it seems uncanny that some of my actions seem to follow through with things that happened, but more often than not, they really are just coincidences

I really don’t need people to remind me and point out the shit in the past, and then nag me to recover or improve myself. Neither do I need them to constantly remind me how old I am and that time flies by. I thank them for the concern and I understand their well meaning, really. But they should really try to ask me about how’s life and try understanding thoroughly first beforehand. Because I’m telling you now, I clarify that I DO realise and I AM trying to heal. I may be stubborn and rebellious, but I’m not oblivious, hello?

I do know that I spent 2009 in a lost feeling of self-doubt. Trying to pick myself up from a break up, and hating my job… Did some really crazy and unnecessary things that I don’t like to mention. I’m sure that those people who know what I did disapprove lol. Come to think of it, somehow I lost myself. Haven’t really been truly myself, and NOW I realise it :/ Things really could have been better, but I guess that’s just a huge bump on the road in life.

I feel like I’ve awaken from a very long confusing dream. Bit by bit, step by step, I’m picking myself up now. I’m happier than I’ve ever been for a while. I’m getting back my attitude that gives me that sort of ‘crazy’ personality, that makes me truly me. I’m doing things as I like it. I have tried to change myself to seem like a better person, or rather, a “good girl”. But after almost a year, I just can’t because I feel unhappy to be unable to be me! This comes to a realisation that no matter how much I try or want to change myself, I won’t be able to do it, as change will only happen gradually in life in a very slow pace by will. Chin Julie will always be Chin Julie. Mind-speaking, impromptu, rebellious, unexpected, unpredictable. You can take it or leave it. I know I may not exactly be the easiest person to tolerate, so I appreciate you guys, who have always stood by me no matter what, and accepting me as the untypical creature that I am. Keyword, untypical lol. I definitely am not If you know me well enough, you’d get it.

Anyway… Me being me, I do things MY way. I know there’s a million ways that I could’ve tried to improve life for myself, but that’s just not how I roll. One person’s honey may be another person’s poison, right? I don’t announce every damn thing that’s on my mind. The only way that it’s out of my system is when I speak with my chicas, and rarely anyone else. Not in such detail anyway. I hate it when people think they know, but they really don’t. Then when I tell them otherwise, they insist that their opinion is right. Erm, I think I know myself better than you do? I’m not explaining myself, I’m merely telling it as it is! When they keep insisting that I’m being like this and that, which I’m not, it gets a little offensive, but I don’t want to argue. What to do? Sigh, talk to the hand, please…

But… Every opinion to oneself, right? Ok ok, I don’t blame them la, cause I didn’t really update my progress with those people all along. It’s ok if they don’t believe me, but sometimes I wish they could just take my word for it and trust that I really do know I’m doing. I may seem distraught at times but I do have a plan in my head. Just that I don’t like talking about it for no reason because there’s no point anyway haha.

And for the last time… Yes, I’m really fine