Home of Jules

Darling is in Singapore for a few days and although I don’t see him on weekdays anyway, yet I’m still missing him a lot more for the fact that he’s much farther away from me. And also less contact due to the crazy roaming charges… I feel lonely I want my boyfriend!

Sometimes I wish my parents had sent me to Chinese school during my primary years. Instead I went to government “Malay” schools for both primary and secondary. Sure, my BM is awesome for a Chinese person. But I can’t speak Mandarin fluently, and I can’t read and write at all. It’s my own mother tongue, for goodness sake lol. But I’m thankful that I converse in Cantonese well, at least… But really, not knowing how to read the language kind of sucks, because many of my friends type in Chinese and I don’t understand shit what they’re saying XD the pathetic few words that I do know how to read aren’t enough at all to make up an actual sentence… Sigh. Xuan le ba, I’ll just type in pinyin

I hate being on an emotional roller coaster I feel so… unstable… x)

It’s like… I’m ok. But I’m not. But then I am. Just that I’m really not. Although I am. So just leave me alone. Can you teman me? But don’t kacau me, ok? Just stay by my side. And go far a bit.

Get it yet? It’s called PMS hahahaha XD

I can has break and goes on holiday nao? Nyuuuhuhu~

Warning, confusing post ahead. Proceed with caution. Readers with low patience for gibberish are advised to discontinue. Lol

It’s tough being human. To be a decent person, one has to be aware of the situation and be able to twist things around to make it work without offending others. But then again, most of the time, this action prevents one from being absolutely true to oneself. It’s like, there’s a certain way one wishes one’s life would be, but if one goes that way, the others around one will not be very pleased. If things go wrong, one gets blamed for it for not listening to others. When in fact one blames no one about it as it’s just another bump on the road. How long can one live one’s life to please others before one breaks down? Some can do it, but nevertheless, it’s tough. Like running an uphill marathon.

It’s also frustrating when others want one to go a certain path in life ‘for one’s own good’, but one does not prefer that path. One understands others’ good intentions, but others want one to do what others think is best regardless whether one thinks so or not. What does one do when others pushed one to make a choice, but one knows that others only wants to hear a certain answer, so there really isn’t much choice given anyway. But yet one still needs to make a decision, regardless, whether to please others or be true to oneself and do what one wishes.

One will be happy if one gets to do things one’s way. Certain others would be happy too, however, certain others would be very upset. Win some, lose some. But how does one know which of the others to please? Certain others may feel betrayed if one chooses something that the other certain others favor, although it’s solely one’s decision. One does not wish to lose any of the others, but not all of the others can see the same views on certain things involving one. In the end, one is stuck in the middle of all of the others. Like a single worm being pecked by a flock of birds.

There’s no right way nor wrong way, actually. But still, it will be right to certain others and wrong to another certain others anyway. One will always be split in half. It’s actually quite a heartache for one to be stuck like that, and in a way kind of unfair? One might envy other ones who had it easier, but then again one should be grateful for some things that other ones envy about. Sigh, what a complication life is. And full of irony.

One would ask, what is the meaning of life? What to do with one’s life? What is the point for one to be in this world? Why should one run one’s life in the way of others’ wishes? Does one not have the right of control over one’s own choices in life? Why should one suffer the consequences of guilt and whatnot for not heeding certain others’ words? Why like this? What is the universe doing by crowding one with others and others? When will one get what one deserves? Does one even deserve what one wishes?

One is not making sense to others lol.

No, not going for a holiday lol.

Remember I posted last week about something that I would announce when things are settled? Well, it’s finally settled! Regarding my path in career. I’ve decided to leave my current job and return to my previous job at Xixili as a lingerie patterner. Oh yeh, some of you didn’t even know, right? Lol. Yeah, I was in the lingerie line for 2 years before I joined the current apparel company. I kinda got bored at the time and was missing the apparel line a little. So, being young and stupid, I left! Now, in my quarter life, I realise that in the long run, being in the innerwear line has better future than apparel. Hence, the decision.

It’s kind of awkward to return to the same company after leaving for almost 2 years. I will see mostly familiar faces, and most likely some new faces. Might have to prepare some answers for those familiar faces though haha. But it’s ok, because I left all in good terms, and still keep in touch with some of them. And I can’t be bothered by whatever rumors there might be haha. I wonder how long before I could catch up again? I vaguely remember my training, but still need some freshening up the mind nonetheless. OMG, the CAD system! Damn it, that’s gonna take a longer time to recall >.<

There will be changes in my daily life, once I commence the “new” job.

* For one, since I don’t work solely on a computer as a patterner, much less time will be spent on Facebook haha! As I could only get online nightly when I’m at home. But I think I’ll randomly update statuses from mobile anyway XD I know, my MSN buddies will miss me too hehe.

* Also, have to wake up at least an hour earlier than I do now… Bleh! I hate getting up so early in the morning. But that’s ok! That means I finish earlier too! XD And you gotta love the alternate working half Saturdays. Sure beats having to work every Saturday, yo.

* The office off Jalan Kuching is a lot nearer to Hartamas than the current company in Cheras, so I get to Talenthub much quicker too

* I could do what I used to do when I worked there. Have Mommy cook extra for dinner, pack the leftovers, and bring it for lunch the next day Keep it in the fridge in the pantry and reheat in the microwave. Awesome, as I get to save AND avoid going out in the heat.

* I might just actually dress up a little bit for work O.o Because… Why not? Lol.

I’m going to tender my resignation letter tomorrow. So, come June and it’ll be yet another brand new beginning in my worklife. Wish me all the best!

I think I’ve blogged before how 24 hours in a day isn’t enough. There just simple isn’t enough time to do everything in a day, or a week, or a month even. Of course priorities come first, and procrastinate on everything else. Sucks, right? Most of the time is taken up by work work work. Got lots of stuff I wanna do but there just ain’t enough time to spare!

I want more time to…

* Practise my guitar, especially electric. I’m learning in a very slow pace, and I wonder how long it will take before I could actually play a full song with minimal/no mistakes. I know practice makes perfect, but I think the more accurate line would be regular practice make perfect. Ideally I would like to play everyday, but… sigh. Parents complain noisy pulak when I play at night ^^”’

* Cook/Bake. My brother cooks better than me haha. He actually knows how to cook more dishes than me, I feel so pathetic I should learn new dishes soon now that Mommy is here. I wanna learn to cook braised mushroom and chicken! With peanuts! XD Hmm I haven’t been baking in a looong time. I don’t bother cause if I start to buy the ingredients for ONE bake session, I have to soon have a couple more bake sessions to use up the ingredients before they go bad, like maggots in flour (curious how they came to be). Who has time to bake every week :/

* Go back to painting and drawing. I’ve been meaning to sketch Lackadaisy Cats characters for the Chicahood, but I keep putting it off lol. I didn’t forget, girls Just couldn’t find that time cause it takes a while to finish a piece of art, and I don’t like stopping halfway because it’s hard to continue where I left off. I need a few hours straight, no interruptions. To at least finish the complete draft.

* Create more artsy stuff? It’s been on my mind a looong time to buy another pair of cheap white canvas shoes to paint. This time with pink paint hehe. Or sequins Also been a long time since I made a new mini plushie. I owe Jocey some piggies, I remember haha. And Iks wants another kittykat too.

* Resurrect Buibui? Lol, ’nuff said

With so many things that I wanna do, how do I decide which to do first should I have the spare time? Nowadays I always opt for guitar as first priority lol. Which leads me to procrastinate even more on the other stuff… Meh.

Went to Sunway Pyramid after work today to have lunch with pet brother Clinston and his wife Hannah (and baby boy in womb lol). Actually I still felt moody this morning after what happened last night, but poor kid has been asking to see me for a long time now hehe.

So ok, intended to meet them for lunch, then go for some retail therapy on my own. Then Iks texted and said she would drop by to accompany me, so she did I bought her a Starbucks latte for coming hehe.

It’s been a while that I went shopping for no real reason, just because I felt like it. Spent almost RM300 on new bras, bag, and shoes hehe. Aah, I feel better a bit hehe

Hid in my room to cry just now. My supposed happy week had to be ruined by this?! Again?! I’m getting so tired of this. I go through this since many years ago, and up til now, am I not adult enough to be trusted that I know what I’m doing? Why such a high expectation on me?? Doesn’t what I want for myself matter? Will I ever be let go to make my own decisions without them judging me thoroughly and concluding with their own assumptions, then decide what I should be doing instead?!

I wish they’d stop trying to psyche me and control what my life should be. Especially when they don’t know what’s been going on. I’m not that carefree kid anymore. During the whole year so far, I’ve been thinking and considering sooo much about all aspects of my life. I just didn’t tell them. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about my future! That’s all I’ve been doing for the past few months, damn it! I can only handle it one at a time. I only hoped for them to be considerate and don’t bomb me on one topic when I have not even settled the other. I have enough on my shoulders at the moment.

I’m really tired of this. I don’t want to give up, but I’m tired. In the end, I really don’t have much request, but I just want to beg for some understanding and support. When they accuse, judge and insult like that, what do they expect me to feel? If again I decide to obey their word, they will be happy about it but I’ll be absolutely torn apart and miserable. Why does it not matter how I feel about what goes on in MY life?? All I want is simply to be happy!

On another note, last night was on another case… Now when you ask me a question, LISTEN and understand what I mean, for heaven’s sake! It’s frustrating when I’m trying to explain my reasons, and it’s disregarded, then make assumptions that my choice is wrong and they are right! Then they try to convince me otherwise to make me change my mind. Argh…

That the week’s gonna be a good good week… Lol.

Yeah, being optimistic here. It’s just Tuesday and so far, the week’s been good. And it’s juuust getting better hehe. After a couple of crappy weeks, things are finally looking up for me this week.

Darling dropped by to have lunch with me today ^^ Happiness! It’s like a quick short date in the middle of the week lol. Loving it

Street jam again tomorrow, yay! Skipped 2 weeks already because of my menses pains, and Viv’s competition. Missing everyone too!

Thursday should be awesome. For one, Mommy will be home at last! For the 6 weeks or so that she’s been away, I must’ve had dreams that she was back for 4 times at least? It sucked Miss her so much, can’t wait! Also on Thursday, I have an appointment to ‘that’ place to settle my… placement Wait ar, let me finalise first, THEN the details x)

Things at work currently still sucks. Today kept receiving calls for this and that. A certain client gave me hell, so annoying! And so much work to rush. Cause people are rushing me. At the same time interrupting me. Haiyo, don’t disturb my work flow laaaaa >.<

But it’s ok, I’m not gonna let that affect my mood for other things ^^ No sir! I’m gonna live my life optimistically now. Try my best to. Not letting petty things upset me too badly. Gonna see things from different perspectives. I deserve to be happy! The only person that can keep me from being unhappy is me!

Lately I’ve been reflecting on myself. What I’ve been through my whole life, to what I’ve become now, and what I should be in the future. Sometimes I literally look at myself in the mirror and mentally ask, who am I? Why am I here? Why am I this way? I can tell you what I was, but I’m unsure of what I am, and what I will be.

Primary school, I was a shy quiet kid with a fear of people thinking that I’m dumb, that I would pretend to agree with others although I really disagree, just to be accepted. I didn’t understand why I was boycotted and was friendless at the age of 10 or 11. I got used to being alone and not speaking my mind, because I thought that was what drove away my friends in the first place. Kids are harsh, yo. If they didn’t like you, for whatever ridiculous reason, they’d just tell you in your face. I hung out with all sorts of friends, but those that never stick. They just come and they go. I grew up being one who dared not speak up because nobody cared nor listened. By the way… Interesting to note, I already knew who Iks and Jocey were at that age, but we were never close friends. Just, ah that is she, ok whatever.

High school… Before I got really close with Jocey, I had a group of other friends. Sort of. We kind of drifted apart when we switched classes the following years. I became close friends with Erica too. Then somehow I got close to Iks as well. I suppose I was more daring to speak my mind at this age, but yet I didn’t know how to express myself without sounding cocky. Maybe I’ve offended some people, but I don’t remember lol. This was a confusing age. I felt like I was ahead of my peers, but also behind them at the same time. I thought I knew what I wanted and I was stubborn to insist that I want nothing else but that.

College was… Haha. I don’t really know what to say about that. It was a time of… Uh… I really don’t know. It was what I insisted to study, but yet I didn’t put in extra effort to excel in the excellent level. I just did what I had to do in a cincai way. How I regret! Cause I know I could’ve done better if only I had worked harder. Sigh.

Early 20s was all about having fun for me. Clubbing, drinking, dating… Didn’t have much serious thoughts in my head at all. Just work when I had to, and play whenever I got the chance. But that shyness from younger years kind of still stuck, cause even in my first couple of year of worklife, I was still not daring enough to voice out any questions for fear of looking dumb. Then I ended up regretting not asking in the first place and it just seemed dumber that I took so long to ask something so simple. Then being in a circle of Calvin’s friends who are much older, I suppose that was how I eventually learnt to let go and just say what’s on my mind and forget about looking silly, cause that’s ok!

Mid 20s is overwhelming. It is! It was at age 24 and 25, and it still is at age 26. I’m hoping that things will slow down once I hit late 20s. Why is it overwhelming? Long story short, I go through changes in my relationships, my worklife, and even my family. I let go of a long relationship, and now trying to make the current one work, which gets me hurt and depressed at times, but this is how I like it. I was lost in career, trying to look for my place to stand, looking for the right path for myself, and recently made a decision which is still unconfirmed. I had to get used to being the ‘only child’ at home with my parents, with Dad going through some hard times.

On top of that, I realised that time is flying so quickly that I have to be an actual adult now. I’ve developed a strong attitude somehow, after all that boycotting and whatnot. Somehow I didn’t give shit about what people think anymore and just do whatever I damn well pleased, and nobody could stop me. Plus my natural sense of stubbornness didn’t help. Now I suddenly came to realise that this attitude just can not do, because that’s very teenage. I must learn to soften up myself. Like how Mommy always teaches us, be more flexible towards everything. Enough with that strong attitude, because I realised lately that it’s hurting my relationships with the people around me. Several wake up calls and slaps across my face (so to speak), now I feel that I really must lighten up with myself. Not to say change myself to what I am not. But rather, improve myself to be a better person for the best of everyone I love.

Yup, it’s all veeeeeery overwhelming.

I must admit that there were times last year until now that I was on the verge of breaking down in depression. There was even a point of suicidal, I kid you not. It was all too much to take and I got so lost! It just seem that I could never do anything right. Lonely childhood, complicated teen years, and I spent most of my adulthood so far trying to find myself and figuring out who I am. Things rarely worked out and it was miserable. All I wanted was to disappear from existence, so that all the painful confusion can end. I look at myself in the mirror more often and really wonder who is that in the reflection, because I don’t know who that is. I look at myself and I’m unsure of who I see. If only I could just run away and escape from all these shit. I think I’ve not broken through these difficult times yet, but cross my heart, I’m really trying my absolute best to turn myself around and not cause anymore trouble. To myself, to the people I love. Cause I need them to support me whenever I feel like falling. Because I fall a lot lately.