Home of Jules

Cleared my wardrobe again today. The last time I cleared it was in September, that’s less than half a year ago lol. Since then, I’ve had some more new items, and been meaning to get rid of more old items, but have been putting it off. Cause lazy Finally today I did it. Locked up the pack-rat in me and removed the stuff that I don’t even wear anymore. Why did I even keep it

I gave up this much stuff in September:

And today I gave up this much:

And lookee! Still got this much stuff left:

I actually have space in my wardrobe now haha. Need to shop for replacements? But then again, there are several items in there that I have not worn for the first time yet haha. Red dress, short jumpsuit, checked shirt, and several casual tops.

Look what I finally decided to throw out. It had to develope yellow stains before I decided that it has to go! I think I was around 13 when I bought this… Can’t believe I owned a pastel purple suit

Sis bought this for me when she was in Tokyo for vacation couple of years ago. Kinda cool, huh? Lol, if only I ride a Harley :P I never wore it once. How could I in this weather? And where the heck would I wear it to??

These are the stuff that I rediscovered in September, and decided to still keep it cause they don’t take up much space anyway Dunno what’s the use of them also lol.

My whole room is done with the spring cleaning, whee. Threw out a lot of useless stuff that I had kept for god-knows-why. Pamplets, brochures, newsletters, old receipts, etc. Rubbish! Also finally threw out the old cheap handbag that I used to carry long ago. Cheap PVC thing, macam kulit terkopek lol. Next mini project, print mini photos to fill up my corkboard lol.

What’s considered a beautiful face? What’s considered a beautiful body? It’s very subjective, don’t you think? Million and one differences of each individual, of each different race and/or heritage and/or culture. And funny enough, the grass always seems to be greener on the other side.

I recently read an article about what Korean men find attractive in a woman. Now, typical orient Asian women have small slanted eyes, flat nose, and thin lips. They are naturally fair, unless they live in tropical weather (like Malaysia), then they’re slightly tanned. But, according to the article, women are attractive only if they have big baby eyes, high sharp nose, and full lips. These are such Caucasian features, it’s no wonder that cosmetic surgery is still highly popular.

Note: Yours truly had cosmetic surgery done too. The most common procedure and an extremely minor one at that. While most people do it for pure vanity, it was only partial vanity for me. The other part of me simply wants convenience and ease in applying makeup XD

Why does it matter on how a person looks on the face? I mean, if one is neat and clean with one’s appearance, should that not be enough? Why do some people think it’s only attractive if one has porcelain flawless skin, extended eyelashes, plump shiny lips, etc. So fake, don’t you think?? Or in other words, so ‘plastic’! What’s wrong with freckles and blemishes and blackheads and zits? (I’m not gonna say nothing is wrong with a wart, cause god damn warts are hideous lol).

I suppose I don’t have anything to complain about. Anymore lol. Though I think that my nose is weird, but it’s not that obvious. So I have blackheads on my nose that keeps coming back. And freckles on my cheeks that are permanently there. And several a whole lot of moles dotting my face (and body). And dark rings under my puffy eyes that come and go. And I actually see wrinkles developing (sob!). But it’s ok! I like these imperfections, cause it’s what makes me naturally real lol.

Back to topic! And then, to complete the package, one needs to have an awesome body. For women, they have to be slim with the right curves (or lovely lady lumps lol), and bodyhairless. For men, they have to be tall and lean with the right… er… lumps. Though a different type of lumps from the ladies XD You know what I mean lol.

Now, even though fitness by itself can be achieved through strict workout routines, but how many people are actually born with a frame to carry that ‘perfect’ figure?? Natural pears, apples and rulers are so screwed for life, right? No, there’s still the option of plastic surgery. Woot for liposuction. Again, the knife. Again fakeness rules, yeah! =_=”’ No. I was being sarcastic, of course. Seriously, what’s wrong with a little fats? What’s wrong with not having the right ‘lumps’? What’s wrong with an imperfect posture? What’s wrong with a few body hairs? Birthmarks, sun spots, moles??

OK, I’m gonna use myself as the ‘model’ in subject. See the photo below. This is the most recent full body photo of me taken earlier this month.

So I have a health-freak mother, and a detox/diet-crazy sister. I suppose I was influenced by them, growing up thinking that only thin looks good. I’m always told that my thighs are fat and my calves are big. Then I realise that it’s only proportionate because I have strangely thick anklebones. I’m also always told to lose a lot of chubs around my waist cause I got no curves and I should lose weight til my pants go 2 sizes down. But my hipbones are already poking out from the top of my jeans lol. I somehow lost inches couple of years ago. Either from yoga, or growing up just shed away the baby fats. I was excited to be slimmer than I was before, but still thought that I could shed some more inches!

Contrary to that though, some people think that I should gain some meat in my bones. I must be quite a pear, since my family thinks my waist down is too big, and other people thinks that my waist up is too small. Haha XD I only know that my arms are thinner than most other average-sized girls, and I’m small around the erm, chest area, causing the illusion that I’m thin? I found it unbelievable that people find me too thin, perhaps because I was brought up thinking I need to lose weight all the time I feel fat, especially around the tummy area. Until I look at this photo here. Ok, so maybe I AM a little too thin in proportion :/

But I still think that I’m too chubby in the tummy! Been trying to lose that but now I should gain weight to look more proportionate? How confusing Perhaps I should stop being so concerned about being fat. Just eat whatever whenever I like. Wait, I already do that lol. Ok, so I should just stop being so concerned about being fat Why is big not beautiful? I mean of course must not let myself go until I get overweight la. But being slightly on the chubby side. Be less vain, less envious, less obsessive lol.
Meh, but I should safely gain a liiittle bit of chubs without having to give up my clothes, right? XD I still like to look good in tight jeans lol. Thank goodness I’m tall-ish

I blame media and society for implying that one HAS to be flawless and thin to be beautiful and attractive (to the opposite sex) XD But thank goodness that these days, some media is promoting the beauty of voluptous curves instead of the unhealthy stick-thin figure.

Articles in reference:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis
http://www.eyeweekly.com/article/55882
http://www.cds.caltech.edu/~shane/text/quarterlifecrisis.html

So this fucked up thing that myself and my chicas are going through actually has a name! We were just wondering how come everything seems to be so screwed up at this age of mid-20s. Iks found out that it’s called Quarter-Life Crisis. Reading the articles, all the points hit the spots precisely!

This happens earlier for some people, later to some. For me, I suppose it starting hitting when I was about 24? This discovery explains everything. Why I felt what I felt. And so apparently, I’m normal! Lol. Let’s take a look at the 2 biggest parts of (my) life… Lovelife and Worklife.

Love:

It’s not that I fell out of love suddenly. 3.5 years is a long time. I was very young in mind when I started dating Calvin, and I didn’t have much priorities. Through our time together, I grew up but he didn’t grow up with me. My priorities have changed. I have changed. Though the feelings got stronger, but towards the end, he just didn’t seem to fit into the picture anymore. I imagined the future, and somehow he’s not in it. It’s painful to let go, but it was something that I had to do. Having Rays in my life now seems to be the right piece of the puzzle right now. Somehow it just fits.

Now, looking back, I question myself. Do I wish that I’ve met Rays sooner? In all honesty, I have to say, no I don’t. Even if I had met him 5 years ago, with my mentality back then, I wouldn’t have chosen someone like him. I would’ve still gone for someone like Calvin because I was that young. Now, things have changed. Right now, I wouldn’t choose someone like Calvin anymore, I would choose Rays instead. Funny huh? How things just changed within a few years due to maturity. In fact, I may have said a thousand reasons why I decided to break up with Calvin, but thinking back about it, there might not be any exact reason at all. It just simply *shrug* didn’t fit.

This is hardly a crisis anymore. Just more like a realisation of WHY I did what I did. I guess it makes sense, and I suppose I knew it all along, just that I didn’t know what it’s called lol.

Work:

When I started on my first job fresh out of graduation from fashion college, I was only 19 going on 20. Fairly young, don’t you think? I was excited and scared at the same time. My level of EQ was quite low at the time too, but I felt like YEAH I’m gonna take over the world! 2 months into the job, I wanted to resign. But I stayed due to the high counter offer. However, 4 months later I still left, cause I really hated it. The next job, about a year. The next job, just 2 weeks because it turned out to be something totally different from what I expected and it was impossible to cope. Spent 2 months jobless, desperately job hunting. Fell into miserable despression from not being able to find a fucking job. Finally landed a job, it was something totally new. Was in training before being independent. Initially enjoyed it, but realised that it was only fun because it was fresh new. Stayed for 2 years before I left yet again. Been in this job for 1.5 years now and I’m looking to get out once more. This time I’m looking to switch lines altogether.

Do you see the pattern? I can’t stay put in a job! Why is that? I used to think it’s so awesome to be a designer. But today, right now, I’m not so sure. Ok, I still like art and design, but I now realise that you should not study and work in what you like! Cause you might just end up disliking what you liked. My dad initially wanted me to continue to upper secondary and then study business in uni. But nooo, the stubborn teenager insisted on fashion design! Let’s face it, I’m not THAT creative. Nevermind that. Anyway yeah, now that I think about it, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to study business after all >.< Too late for that now. Plus, I don’t wanna go back to school anyway. Although I must admit. Halfway through all that job-hopping, there were 2 moments where I had decided to go overseas to further pursue my studies. No I didn’t chicken out. There were financial problems and I have a younger sibling who needs to go to uni. And I was too dumb to consider that there’s such a thing called a study loan =_=”’ WTF, right? Way to go, young and stupid Jules. What makes it even stupider right now is the fact that I didn’t consider studying something ELSE when given the opportunity, cause I was still young enough to switch!  

So what do I do now? Why am I here? The realisation hit me just recently. Oh shit, I’ve been working for almost 6 years now and I am still nowhere! Seriously, what do I do? I want to find out what else I can do, other than just sticking with the arts. I want to switch from designing to marketing, but how do I do that?? But then again, maybe I’m not that ambitious career-wise. Lately I’ve been thinking, what if I’m a housewife? Doesn’t sound like such a bad idea also lol. Raising kids, keeping house, cooking meals. What’s so bad about it? But then again, what woman does not have a job these days?? My generation, my qualifications, my abilities… It’s like I HAVE to build a career, one way or another.

Lol, see how indecisive I am? This is my crisis.

Just a ‘quick’ recap on last week, since it’s been a week since the last posting.

So the siblings arrived back home on Tuesday night, wheeee~ Weird, I don’t get that excitment that I thought I would when I see my siblings. Not that I was indifferent either, just that there wasn’t thaaaaat much excitment. Perhaps cause it wasn’t thaaaat long ago that I saw them haha. Less than 5 months since we bade goodbye at Melbourne airport? I didn’t see them til later at night, cause I was out with the chicas in a… deep… erm, emotional discussion, over Pizza Hut dinner.

Speaking of chicas. Miss them so much. Another one of them times that I wish they still live in Melawati. I’m enjoying these deep emo discussions with my girls. We didn’t used to share things out like this with each other, until recently. Also we didn’t dare to marah each other for shit until recently haha XD Oh how we have grown… Grown more mature, grown closer together. Looking forward to planning a sleepover soon, so that we can talk for hours through the night without worrying about curfew lol.

Work last week was… wow. I was alone in the office most of the time and in charge of Kelvin’s stuff cause he went outstation for 3 days. Stock was going out, and more stock was coming in, til there was hardly space in the office. Even the meeting room was full. And because I had to handle this AND my own work, I was quite tired last week. I even had Darling come fetch me to Pertama Complex on my work errand, cause I know shit about where it is. And I’m so glad I insisted that he went with me instead of trying to go alone. Cause damn, that area sure is confusing, the roads. Also the basement parking, why so many Rempits gathered there?? And the construction of the building, aiyo what goes where? The levels are so weirdly confusing. Or confusingly weird. Lol.

Gossip circulated. Ok sure, so I did say that I didn’t know how to manage the inventories coming in and out, and I was worried that I’d make a mistake. But I did NOT say that it wouldn’t be my fault if something fucked up! I mean, of course it’d be my fault, duh. If something fucked up, then I’m fucked up la, cause I was in charge, no? Word sure spread quickly. It came out from my lips, travelled through a couple of lips, evolved, and found its way back to my ears. Now, a week later, it’s still going around, my colleague being drilled for leaving the office to me. Ok, I admit I wasn’t happy at that time too. But it’s over, nothing went wrong, so forget about it. Can’t they just… let it go? Some people seriously have nothing better to do.

On Saturday, Darling had a BBQ party at home to celebrate his birthday. He made a makeshift barbecue pit from bricks and soil base. Not bad lol. So many of his family and relatives came. I don’t know who is who lol. I think they also don’t know who I am. They must be wondering who is this female stranger doing in the house. It suddenly rained heavily in the midst of barbecuing… Potong stim! Half an hour later the rain reduced enough and Darling restarted the fire. Soon enough, we could continue our BBQ~! Hailey got lots of snacks lol. Getting fat~

On Sunday noon, Darling drove me to Jaya One to attend my younger pet brother Clinston’s wedding luncheon. First time attending a wedding luncheon, so weird. It’s like, I just woke up, got ready, and then I was at a chinese restaurant for a wedding. Clinston offered cocktail. I gave him a blur look. Are you kidding? I just woke up and I haven’t eaten anything. I only had a few sips of wine during the toasting session. The funny part of the wedding is… Clinston and wife were slow dancing on stage, then the sound of record scratching, then 3 guys from Inversion popped out and danced a hiphop routine. Then song changed again, and Clinston went onstage with the 3 dancers. What they did knocked my socks off! They danced to Wondergirls (Korean girl band)… Nobodeh nobodeh but chu~! Hilarious and random as heck XD

As soon as the wedding was over, Darling came to fetch me and I went back to his house to change. Before that, I gave Hailey a bath first. She was so dirty from the BBQ day. Rain, dirt, coal ashes… Then played with her for a while. Wow she’s really growing so fast! And heavy haha. Then it’s my turn to take a bath. It was Darling actual birthday, so I took him to Hartamas Shopping Centre (Plaza Damas) to have a japanese dinner at Rakuzen. Ordered so much food, we were super full after the meal! Then he was laughing so hard til his stomach hurt, so suffering haha. I haven’t seen him laugh so hard before XD Well, happy birthday to my Darling. I hope he enjoyed the simple celebration with me.

So that was what happened last week. Back to work already, and I’ve been busy again. Yay? Lol, sure. Still better than having nothing to do. And what’s going on this week? Hmm, nothing. Thaipusam is on Saturday, but I’m not sure if I have the day off or not. But Monday is off for sure, yay! Federal Day hehe XD Gosh I gotta continue spring cleaning. My wardrobe is a mess!

It’s unbelievably amazing to go to Darling’s house every weekend and see my Hailey bigger than the weekend before. She’s growing up so quickly! You can also see the colour of her fur on her body and patch on her face changing too. I mean, just take a look at the comparison:

Sometimes I feel like I have started a mistake by having Buibui when I’m hardly even ready for it. Or perhaps I could be ready for it, but just that I don’t have enough determination to pull through. Sure, it’s always easy to start things, but it proves to be quite a challenge to actually maintain what you started. Well, it is for me anyway. Certain things. And unfortunately, I think Buibui is one of those things. Or perhaps it isn’t really so. Perhaps I just started off wrongly. Hastily. If I could turn back time, I would’ve taken my time and do things a little differently. Too late now, and I’m stuck with a bunch of stock that’s… gonna be stuck with me til I figure out what to do! :/

Perhaps I was too young (mentally) to understand anything! Maybe I did it because OMG I can do it like this, it’s so cool. But I had not realised where my real talents lie, and how I could develop that into a goal, so that it would eventually be an ultimate dream. I’ve always said I’d love to have my own little boutique. But perhaps it is just what I want, and not really what I truly desirably wish to achieve. Or maybe… I’m just not cut out for this. I’m not quite meant to be a fashion business owner, or whatever you may refer to me as. Maybe I started out dellusioned, thinking how simple it is, and how awesome it would be. Reality hit. It’s NOT easy, and therefore it does NOT end up awesome either. And what the hell was I thinking, thinking that I could do all this by myself?! Part time! This is no MLM, I have products of my OWN here.

So help me, what have I been wasting my time on? I dislike the name Buibui. I dislike the label design. I hate the namecard design. I hate the hangtag design. If only… like a bad drawing… I could just crumple up everything ever existed in the name of Buibui, and set a bonfire on it. No, that would be crazy.

Realistically… Can I just quit my designing job after CNY, sell off the stock for cheap at random shops in Sungei Wang, while searching for a new job in marketing… aaand… sit by the seaside everyday to figure out what to do in life? Without my parents killing me? Lol…

FML

So tired lately. And it’s showing on my face. Eye bags and dark ring, nuuuhuhuhu~ I gotta get myself some ample rest and sleep soon. Stepping into the late 20s category doesn’t mean that my external looks should display the age, yo! *slaps facial mask on self* Work the magic! Lol.

But seriously though. I used to go to bed later than I do now, and also used to wake up earlier too. Yet, I would still have the energy for the whole day, even for after-work gym/swim every single weekday. Now? Just a normal day at work and I’m exhausted by dusk. What gives? Oh, right, I’m getting old haha. Sighs! Not that I mind much anyway, cause the Chicas have agreed that all 3 of us ‘grew gracefully’, meaning we look waaaaay much better now than we did 5years, even 10 years ago. No kidding, we’re embarassed to show you our old photos haha. So don’t care lah, age is but a number after all, as long as we’re still young at heart

I just realised how disorganised my blog is. My categories, for one, don’t make sense haha. More often than not, I end up putting posts under “Uncategorized”. Maybe one fine day when I’m absolutely free and bored, I’ll sort out my 230 posts into proper categorization.

Hmmm 230 posts in about one and a half years… Is that a lot?

Hmm, apparently my mom does know that I have a boyfriend She’s not as clueless as I thought she was about it lol. I didn’t have plans after work today, so I took her out for lunch and jalan-jalan. Just as we sat down at Nando’s, out of the blue she just said…

“One year already looo.”
Huh? What is?
“Your break up.” (She meant Calvin).
Oh, ya lor, almost a year already.

Then she asked briefly about if I keep in touch with him, etc etc. Then suddenly…

“So? Your this one, how?”
…? What how?
“Your new boyfriend. How? So sure already?”
O.o <—Shocked that not only does she know, but she’s calm!

That sure was a little awkward, cause I wasn’t prepared for that at all! Though I’m not sure how she knows about it. I mean, dad kind of knows that I’m seeing Rays, but I don’t know if he knew that we’re in a relationship. Did he tell her? Or did she saw it on Facebook? (Yes, both my parents have Facebook, though as inactive as both my siblings lol). Anyway… Despite her previous outburst during our first week together, she was calmer this time. So I don’t know how long she’s been knowing about it. There was no big hoo-hah freaked out objections to the relationship, but that doesn’t mean she’s totally accepting it whole-heartedly just yet. As always, there was a little long-winded ‘lecture’ that how I should be thinking thoroughly about my choice before making a final decision, and to consider carefully about how his everything would fit into mine.

But in any case! I’m kind of glad that she brought it up, you know. Saves me the nervous anticipation of panic anxiety thinking about how to tell her about us. Now that she openly knows about us, there are no more secrets, no more ‘underground’ relationship. Things have eased up a little, but I still need to be on my guard and not take this for granted.

These photos are too cute, that I must share it repeatedly lol. These were taken in front of Sungei Wang during new year’s eve celebrations.

Mine was already reddish because of the lighting at the time. Darling’s photo was colour adjusted to blueish in Photoshop, just for the theme lol.