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What the hell is wrong with me lately? No, slash “lately”. What the fuck is wrong with ME ?

Especially for the past few months, I question myself. What am I doing? My actions and words keep contradicting to how I was before. What made me change this way? Initially it felt like a good change, because I met more people and have learnt to open myself up without feeling ashamed about what I am, and just do whatever I want with myself as I please. But lately I feel like this attitude is making me full of it, somewhat selfish and inconsiderate. And not to mention stupid.

I feel awful. About everything that happened lately. Somehow I feel that I am the cause of all the troubles I am going through now. With my work life, my love life, my family, my social life, everything. I give people advice but I don’t follow it. I’m too stubborn for my own good. Why? I can’t control myself, my mom says I have always been a stubborn child. This stubbornness makes me seem like a ‘princess’, that I must have everything go my way. Maybe I go all out too much without considering how people would feel. Speaking of which, I think I am also too flamboyant for my own good. Too much flamboyance, and I end up hurting others’ feelings without meaning it nor realising it. I really need to learnt when to keep my big fat mouth shut. I’m truly sorry for those whom I’ve offended, I didn’t mean to. Except “you”.

God damn it, I wish time would rewind to 10 years before. I would’ve done things differently so that I won’t be in the situation I am now. I would’ve opted to study overseas instead of locally. I would’ve put in more effort in projects instead of doing it just to pass. I would’ve researched and considered thoroughly before starting my business instead of doing it in a haste, and I would’ve started a couple of years younger. I would’ve given more thought to relationships with guys before starting to date them. I would’ve kept in touch with more friends for the sake of networking. I would’ve done so much and not do some things, I can’t list them all here.

I’m feeling lost at the moment. Yet again. I feel like doing things that I shouldn’t, and I’m not doing things that I should. Despite how I act, I do need my family and friends everyday. And despite what I’ve always been saying lately, I do need a romantic partner for me to feel contented. And despite what I’ve said and done, I’m not entirely confident that I’m capable to manage my business on my own part-time. And despite how much I like my job, sometimes I hate it.

Times like this, I feel like I could sleep forever and not wake up, and just live in my dreams. But that’s unlikely. So I feel like getting away somewhere, sort of an escape from the world that I know, for some alone time to find myself. But that might be unlikely too, cause I hate to be alone. I can’t wait for August… Melbourne would be a good place to escape to, and be with my whole family. Maybe, just maybe, I would even consider staying there for good…

Sigh… I need to meditate and remember how to apply the Secret…

Lol I don’t know if she’ll kill me for calling her that Anyway yeah, I had a loooong 4-hour lunch date at Sunway Pyramid with my lovely Rachel, whom I haven’t seen in like… I think 3 years?? More or less?? I don’t really remember… So nice to FINALLY catch up in person instead of just on MSN hehe XD We had lunch at Kimgary before we adjurned for drinks at Starbucks. And of course, just for the sake of camwhoring… Here’s Jules and Rae!

What the heck did we do for 4 hours?? Just sat around Kimgary and Starbucks and chattered away like there’s no tomorrow! My mom called to ask if I was going home for dinner, and that’s when we suddenly realised it was 6.30pm already! Oh gosh, some lunch date lol. Almost dinner time already XD But it was so much fun! And you know how time flies when you’re having fun ^^

Now… Which long-time-no-see friend shall I call to catch up with next?

And so I went to the finals party. Cause I’m so free lol. Aaaaand of course I also wanna oogle at some hot hunks Always wanted to go every year, so this year I just went. Teman or no teman. I got the readers invites from Jin, but Amy brought me in with her VIP pass. So, we were upstairs at the VIP area instead of downstairs with the rest of the crowd. But… No goodie bag :(  Ah well, at least I don’t have to queue up for 20 metres just to get in! It was crazy, the line went out all the way onto the sidewalk! Note to self, next time arrive an hour earlier for events with early bird goodie bags… Alright now. Let the pictures do the talking eh?

The stage area:

The crowd… Oooooboy:

All the 50 hotties on stage:

Announcing the winner and confetti~!! Congrats #49 Henry Golding!

Sigh, I missed my chance to take a photo with Henry cause of the other fangirls swarming all over.. This is the closest shot I could get of him:

Oh well… At least I managed to snap a photo with my favorite bachelor #2, Jin (he’s so tall!):

Btw……… The photo of Henry above does not do justice to how deliciously hot he is. So this is the photoshoot pic:

My prediction was right yet again haha. Don’t you agree that he totally deserves to win?? Awesome night of eyecandy… *w*

Ahem, what a dumb title…

Just a word of caution for all the single (lonely) ladies out there. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but there are also lots of sleazy ones among those fish who prey on innocent girls for their emotions. Especially when there’s an open world of communication like the internet, these scumbags could easily find their ‘victims’ just like that. Trust me, they’re all nice and sweet and flowery. But you really can’t believe nor trust them until… a long time later.

Recently I’ve had 2 guys who picked me up online and started to message me on MSN. They’re both of different races and from different places, but they both said the same thing to me. They told me that they love me, on the first day of MSN chatting! Are they for real?? They must think I’m stupid or something to believe such a thing. Best thing is, they insist that it’s the truth. Pfft.. Please. I’m 25 years old, not 15. Do I look that desperate to you? And these are just 2 guys who found their way to me. Can you imagine how many more guys like them are out there, and just how many girls have fallen prey to those fake sweet nothings? So I’m not entirely certain what their intentions are, but a girl can’t be too careful nowadays. Even the strongest mind of a woman can be weakened by the emotions of her heart.

Ok maybe I could get a little lonely at times. So it’s kind of fun to be meeting new friends, but I’m still not ready for another relationship just yet. Not exactly that I’m loving the freedom of singlehood, cause you know I prefer to have some sort of company especially on weekends. I’m ok with being single, but it’s nice to have someone in mind with no strings attached, you know what I mean? Hmm, I’m just a little bit confused with myself lately, I think lol. What do you want, Jules, what?? I don’t want to feel lonely, but I don’t want a commitment *nods* Lol.

Anyway, back to the point. So yeah. Not to be feminist or whatever, but let’s face it. Men are jerks! Half of them don’t even respect women enough. What are we, puppets? Or worse, puppies?? Isn’t everything in life like a give-and-take situation? What sort of behaviour is that when guys blow it hot-and-cold to a girl and leaves her wondering what the hell is going on? This is a whole new era here. Women has got better things to do with her life than to wait for a man to show some affection when he suddenly decides to go all icy on her. There’s this thing called PRIDE, and women have it too!

A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. So sometimes, just to protect herself from heartache, she should always remain cool when a guy’s trying to win her heart. Cause you don’t know yet how sincere he is, so only time can tell. I know it may sound mean, but you gotta test the guy :P Jual mahal a little bit without forgetting to show him you’re interested. If he’s still maintaining that level of sweetness and wooing you after weeks of hard-to-get, then you know he could be sincere for real. If he becomes cold and gives up too soon, then it means he’s not really that into you and was just wooing you for the heck of fun or whatever. OMG I’m gonna get such a kick from the boys for posting something like this on the blog

But, sigh… One thing though. Despite everything I had just said, why am I still having a certain someone on my mind… >.< Shit.

OMG, the most intense moment in the office and it has nothing to do with work! I helped my colleague Chris to bungkus coffee and was bringing it upstairs to her. As I was walking towards her room, I passed by the stacks of boxes of stock and noticed something black on the floor and it was moving. I thought it was just a big bug or something, then it crawled in a strange way and started to let out a high-pitched screeching. Which was then I realised that it was a BAT~!!! And I ran straight into Chris’s room and closed the door, feeling freaked out.

Then we called Ron to come upstairs to save us. Turns out that all the men are scared of bats too ^^;;; Ron was looking at it, and it didn’t make a sound. Didn’t know what to do lol. So I just hid behind him and followed him towards the exit. We walked slowly, hoping not to agitate the bat. Then it started screeching again, it was fucking terrifying and I literally ran for my life and out the door, before I squatted down and laughed hysterically at that experience lol XD The blasted thing only started to screech when it saw me! What the hell is up with that, I wonder XD I would’ve taken a picture of the bat if I weren’t so scared of it

The 2 indian helpers managed to push it out to the open-air space upstairs. Then Choong volunteered to catch it to get it out in the big open outside. Apparently he used to “play” with bats, crazy!! Well, we got rid of THAT pest, but I can’t help but wonder how did it get inside the office in the first place. And was it alone?? What if there’s a whole family of those things somewhere in the building??? @____@

Ok, stupid title, there’s no “fight” or whatever lol. The point I want to make today is just something random that I just thought of. I know that I’m quite different from most girls, but I just realised just how untypical I am even at a young age. Most little girls go for ballet classes; I went for taekwondo. Most girls play the piano; I chose to play the guitar. Most girls like pinky sweet things; I prefer black with an attitude. Most girls have goldfish or guppies if they were to keep pet fishies; I keep fighting fishes. Most girls are very emo-crazy, but I am able to understand without overreacting. Most girls do the things that I don’t; and they don’t do things that I do. I am not like most girls, and sometimes I wonder if this “unique-ness” is such a good thing…?

What does Goliath like to do when he is alone in the dark office at night? Make bubble nests!

In about 2 weeks’ time, labour day weekend to be exact, this will be happening at Berjaya Times Square:

And why is this a big deal for me? Well, because I will be there on that day not to looksee, but to work, becaaaaaause:

YES!! I have a space in that particular market, so Buibui will be on sale “offline” for the first time lol. You read it right, I will be having a stock clearance sale for most of my items to make way for new stuff. Don’t miss it, this market is for one day only!

The fishies are well again ^^ So happy to see Zeus back to his usual self and making bubble nests! Ares has grown to an adult size already, tho I’m not sure if it’s his maximum size yet His crowntail fins and tail are a little longer than before too, he looks so lovely. I wonder how Hades is doing tho, hmm…

I will post an updated photo of my eyelids progress later when it’s 2 months post-surgery. The skin is healing well, the creases are gradually becoming more natural looking. I noticed something though. I don’t really have much feeling left on my eyelids, near the edge. I wonder if this is permanent? My theory is that maybe it’s because incisions were made across my eyelids, so some nerves were cut off, making that part of my eyelids lose the sense of touch Perhaps it’s a good thing… Then it might not hurt as much if I accidentally clamp the skin when I am using an eyelash curler XD

I am currently a little bit confused to what I want in my work life. Sometimes I get word of opportunities heading my way in this company, but most of the time I’m not sure if I want it. What more with my part-time business needing attention, I’m not so willing to gain more responsibilities in my day job cause it’ll make me exhausted and leave me with little spare time. I mean, it’s good that I’m gonna be given a chance to get out and do sales, and also collaborate with the Hongkie side of the company, but you know… I’m not SURE… At this point, I’m just feeling like I want to just be a designer and routinely sit in the office all day without the extra errands and tasks. I still want my spare time and the energy to work on my business at home after working hours. Argh, what am I gonna do if my boss is serious about sending me back and forth to Hong Kong regularly… *buries face in palms* ugh ugh ughhh…

Hey, 4 more months til our trip to Melbourne! Can’t wait for that, it’s gonna be a really nice relaxing trip. I just wanna chill… Jalan-jalan, makan, looksee… Without a care in the world! For 2 weeks lol. It’s gonna be like, end of winter in August? So I guess it’s gonna be cold. It’s not that I don’t like cold, I mean it’s not gonna be THAT cold in Aussie. Cold is nice for a change, beats the terrible heat we have over here. But I’m just gonna be suffering a little bit cause I get weird itchy rashes when my skin gets cold. Damn it, of all the things to inherite from my mom

Have you ever felt what it’s like to be abandoned suddenly by someone that you (used to) regard as a friend? Some people are just hard to understand sometimes, you just can’t help but to wonder what the hell is going on in their pathetic minds. Indecisiveness, hot-and-cold attitude, hasty actions which contradict to their words… Making things unnecessarily confusing, complicated, and dramatic. The entire situation could have been more peaceful if only some people would just cool it, sit down, and THINK. Nothing in the world is actually that much of a big deal if you would just think and act rationally. But then again, some people just think way too much, which confuses the situation even more.

I felt that it was pretty unfair to me that things had to end this way, but I guess partially I’m at fault too. Red flags and warning signs everywhere, but yet? Being the stubborn rebel that I am, I chose to believe that the certain someone was wrongly judged, and I chose to trust that he will keep to his word when he said he won’t stop being my friend, and I chose to believe him when he confessed his feelings. I suppose my mistake right there was that I trust people too easily? Sure. I ended up just hurting myself, though I should’ve seen it coming anyway. I just thank my stars that I didn’t fall in too deep, and it’s not too late for me to stand up again good as new.

I don’t understand it though. Why would one choose to keep on trying and trying for hundreds of times at the same one thing that keeps ending up in heartache anyway? Out of love? Bullshit. What kind of love is that when it lacks respect, appreciation, gratitude, understanding, faith, loyalty, patience, honesty… and instead it is full of anger, jealousy, disregard, selfishness, idiocy, haste, infidelity, lies? What kind of love is that when even the slightest petty things could spark a big argument which eventually resorts to one of them leaving without a word for a few days? What kind of love is that when one of them obliges and sacrifices losing friends just because the other one dislikes/hates them? If you’re staying just due to what he/she had done for you before, then it’s the wrong reason cause it’s sort of like… out of kesian aje, you know? Cause listen, ANYbody can do the same, and there has to be someone who is better. I mean, come on, so many trees in the orchard but you choose to stick to the tree with the bad fruit, despite the parasites, flies and worms.

Hear me out on this. A relationship is between 2 different individuals. It is meaningless if only one runs the show and the other just follows like a puppy. It takes 2 to clap, it’s a give-and-take situation. How can one just change everything around oneself to please the partner? Cause I have always believed that when you love someone, you have to at least like everything that’s around that person. Even if you can’t help but to dislike it, you do NOT have the fucking right to ask that person to change just for you, cause that’s just downright the most selfish thing in the goddamn world to do! What the hell do you love the person for in the first place if you need that person to change? And the other person, such a cowardly pushover! How can one just allow the partner to control one’s life like that? Seriously… Do you actually believe this shit? I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t make sense to me at all.

Things do come to an end and you just have to fucking face it with some courage. Take time to think and make your final decision, and stick to it. There’s nothing sadder than a person who can’t be firm on his/her decisions, cause this means that he/she does not know what he/she wants! How can you not know what you want? Like, please, just excuses right. Yeah I know the situation is kind of complicated, but is it really THAT complicated? The answer’s just right there, within you. You ALWAYS know what you want, it’s just right there at the back of your mind. Find it and don’t lose it. If it turns out to be something less than what you really want, then find it again. Don’t take action just yet, but instead take time out and find it again and again, until you are absolutely certain of what you definitely want. THEN do something about it when you are SURE.

Now you’re probably telling me, oh I haven’t loved somebody that much so I wouldn’t understand how it’s like? Go to hell, of course I have. I’m just less stupid and more rational, that’s all. If you think it didn’t hurt having to break up with Calvin, then fuck you. It was the hardest thing for me to do, but my decision was made that I GOT to do what I got to do. I do know that he loved me so much and wanted another chance. I know that, I’m not oblivious. I must admit that there were times where I almost weakened cause my love for him didn’t just fizzled off overnight, but I stood firm cause it took me so long to be sure of my decision and when it’s done, there’s no turning back. Only thing left to do is let go and move on. And I did. Because I gave myself the time to calm down and clear my mind. Why can’t you? It’s no big deal. 

“If you really love someone, you have to set him/her free”… *snorts* Shyeeeah right! XD Works for some, but others choose to deny it. I’m not angry, per se, I really am not. What I’m feeling right now is disappointment in someone. And also feeling somewhat pity for them. Like what the hell are you thinking? But you know, alright, your freakin’ choice, so whatever, right? Actually come to think of it, they belong together cause they’re kind of like… same same. In their own shitty way, I guess they deserve each other. And for me… It was “FUN” while it lasted but sometimes I wish that I was never involved in the drama. But it happened anyway, so… *shrugs&grins* it was quite the experience. Lol adventure of my life, konon :P

Oi, that was quite a long post… Ok I think I’m done ranting! :P Back to the awesomeness of my life cause I have better things to worry about!

*corny voice* Thanks for reading! XD