Home of Jules

On Saturday, I started having sharp pain in my left abdomen which comes and goes through the whole day. Since it was on and off, it didn’t bother me much, so I proceeded with the day’s plans. Took Mom out for lunch and shopping, then to Talenthub for dance social. Ika even dropped by a bit for a round at the nearby mamak. Everything was a-ok, until later that night. The pain got worse when I lied down. So intense that I couldn’t sleep as there was no comfortable position. Ended up just shuffling around and groaning in pain. Got up to get warm water to drink, wrote about it in my diary, posted a few status updates on Facebook via mobile… I was exhausted but I couldn’t sleep! Eventually I did manage to catch a few winks, but didn’t sleep well at all.

Came morning, and I went to the clinic after a quick breakfast. It wasn’t my regular doctor’s shift =_= A little annoyed that she didn’t know what was wrong. Even suggested constipation or ovulation. Whaaaat? Well, whatever it was, all I got was painkillers. Which, by the way, didn’t work. It was so mild that Mom called the painkillers “childish” lol. What a Sunday! Napped in the later afternoon because was lacking sleep badly from the restless night. Was hoping to sleep more comfortably that night, but no. Not as intense as the night before, but still the pain persisted. At least this time, there was one position that was painless.

Monday morning, woke up for work. Oh, the pain! It was gone! Suddenly, just like that, yippee! I had never been so glad to get up and get to work before lol. Yea yea yea, Monday blues and all that, but I was just glad that the pain was gone XD I was worried that I might have to go to the hospital or something, that would not be my idea of fun… Phew!

Then there’s today. Tuesday… Sigh. Morning started feeling like one of those days. Then the mood improved when I met up with Mark for lunch and Starbucks. Good to catch up again with him After he left, I stayed a bit more for some retail therapy by myself. Not a good idea to go shopping when you’re bloated, you just seem to look fat in everything lol. Wanted to add some colour to my wardrobe, but ended up buying everything in black :/ ah well, just so happens that the black ones are the nicer ones lol.

That was that, and made my way home. That’s when it happened… It had rained before, so the road was kinda wet. I was on the bend from Sprint into Duke. Then I lost control of the car, totally panicked that the car swerved right more than I turned, and got really near to the divider. I made a slight adjustment to the left, and again it swerved more than I turned, almost hitting the car in the next lane. Avoiding collision, once again I adjusted a little back to the right side, and again the car oversteered. BAM! I hit the divider T_T

I’m ok, it was only a minor accident between the car’s right front corner and the divider. A dent, some paint scraped off. But I was shaken enough… I stopped at the side of the road for a good 15 minutes, just to calm down, before I proceeded with my journey back home. I got home, explained the accident to my parents, and went to chill in my room. Lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought about what happened. It was lucky, to say the least. It could’ve been much worse. Being at the bend, it was quite dangerous for me to be stalled at that area. Oncoming cars couldn’t see me and I could’ve been hit. Who knows what the damage might be.

To the car.

To me.

I started crying for no actual firm reason. That got me thinking about the things that I want to do/say, but the time has not yet to come. Like finally seeing my sister get married. Seeing my brother graduate. Following through with Ika as she succeeds as a writer. And so much more. What if I never get my chance to do so? Oh, the sort of regrets I would have. Especially the things/words that I’ve been holding back on. Things that I could actually do something about now. Like go travelling. And family days where everyone is together in the same country. And more heartfelt talks with my chicas. And telling him about how I feel about him…

Looking back at my life so far. I really feel like I’ve grown a lot as a person. After struggling through student and work lives, it was just 2 years ago that I thought I had what I want in life on track. Thinking back, what I wanted was quite immature. Within months, all that certainty just crumbled and fell, unexpectedly collapsed and I was lost in life. I let go of what felt good then, cause somehow those things didn’t seem to fit anymore. It kinda scared me that I was sure, yet at the same time I wasn’t. Later I discovered that it’s just Quarter Life Crisis.

In terms of work, I think I’m finally settled. That’s the end of job hopping for me! At least for the moment lol. In average, I’ve had one job per year. That is too much! Finally decided that returning to this company is best for me in terms of career growth and value. So that’s done! But with the matters of the heart, that’s a different story lol.

Being in mid 20s, it kinda feels like I’m in the middle of nowhere. Neither here nor there. Old enough to know better, too young to give a damn. Been through enough shit to learn the lesson, but still can’t resist the temptation for more trouble. No matter how you try, you can’t cage a phoenix lol. Within a decade of being in the dating scene, guy after guy, drama after drama, jerk after jerk. It’s like a freaking crash course to date every type of men there is. The clingy one, the geek with low EQ, the intellectual one, the old one, the crazy fun but unreliable one, the vain ah beng, the mute nerd, the one with the psycho girlfriend, the married charmer, the con artist, the cunning liar… Yup, been there, done that. I remember all their names. Damn, I sure got a bunch of love life stories to tell lol. I’m not exactly proud of it, but I know better than to regret my own actions.

But I think that I’ve grown out of that phase. At least I hope I have. I’m more certain in what I would want now, and had enough of just going for it even though it didn’t feel right. I’m too old to be hasty in decisions, to push it when it’s not right. I must admit that there is someone on my mind right now. It’s rather sudden as we were nothing but platonic all the while. Now I fear for my heart lol! Especially when I’m not quite ready for anything serious just yet. Taking it slow. But then again, I can’t be too slow cause he’s a great catch. What if some other girl captures him first?? Sigh, the worst thing about liking someone in a special way is not knowing if they feel the same.

But then again, I just realised the difference of this crush and my previous crushes. I don’t get that urgency to need to text/call him all the damn time. Yes he’s on my mind, but it hardly distracts me from my daily routine. I excitedly anticipate for our next meet up, but I still manage to keep calm about it. The thought of him makes me smile and puts me in a good mood, but none of those preteen frenzies. (Though I admit that I get so smitten and giggly when I talk about him lol). I do like him a lot, but I don’t want to push it, and just laying back on it. I’m able to let go while still hanging on. A text going unanswered just meant a big long sigh, then the day goes on. An eventual reply would mean an ear-to-ear grin for a long time. Ahh, the simple things in life could mean so much. Oh dear lord, I’ve grown up! XD

Goodness gracious, how things have gone out of hand over the previous post. No, rephrase that. How things have been blown waaay out of proportion. Over what? Uh, news flash. I actually pay for this domain, so I have every right to post whatever I damn well please. Except stuff that could have me end up in jail, of course. Freedom of speech, y’all. If you don’t like my writings, please leave and never return. It’s an evil place! Don’t look back! Eeeks! XD Seriously, do not read any further, what comes next might just burst your blood veins. You’re gonna read anyway, right? Oh well, suit yourself. Ye hath been warned.

I feel so… “what the hell?” lol. Ok so I know the previous post wasn’t the most civilised way to talk about other people, but I did not mention names, eh? I had half the mind to totally just expose the names and even include a mugshot if I wanted, but I didn’t. Because I am subtle and discreet like that. I believe that the previous post were merely short sypnosised summaries of my elaborated complicated thoughts and got totally misunderstood. Or not. I have blogged about super emo things before, but no one has ever stopped me from writing this way. Either way, goodness me, apparently it was a much bigger deal for other people than I thought. But you know what, it doesn’t matter. As long as the people who actually matter to me understands the actual situation(s), then it doesn’t bother me what other people think.

Am I perfect? Nope, absolutely not. I am as flawed as everyone else, and I totally admit it. Tch, the kind of speculations that people make around something that they were supposed to forget about. Point and insult me all you want, guys. I have never been truer to myself than now, nothing you all can say that can bring me down ever again. I am perfectly flawed, but I do my best without losing myself. I am not always right, but I am also not always wrong. I can’t please everybody, so if you can’t accept me as I am, then just turn around and leave. I only wished that pots would stop calling kettles black. Nice try on attempting to piss me off, but guess what? Sorry la. So failed hehe. Unfortunately those pathetic remarks are not working to make me feel insulted. Because *shrugs* I realise my flaws Jules is stubborn, stingy, selfish, inconsiderate, with a boyish figure and a strong attitude. Like, honey, I knooow. Thank you so much for noticing ^^ I love being untypical and unpredictable.

It’s amusing. Some people said goodbye. Some people hurt me further before vowing to cut me off. But they still follow my blog closely. Then terasa pulak. Lol funny, kinda like being stalked. Maybe next time, instead of asking people to “follow my blog”, I’ll say “stalk my blog” x) Anyway. You miss me so much, doncha? Awww so touching that you still care! Come on, beee a man, dooo the right thing (kekeke). “Right thing” here, by the way, is to disappear like you said you would. In case you didn’t get what I mean And one last favor to me, please learn how to let go.

Take care!

Ps, lesson of the day: Thou shall not offend thy female Scorpio

This post is dedicated to 3 different males who stumbled into my life. Good and bad way.

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Mr R:
Why did you even show up in my life, shower it with sweet lies, only to wreck it and tear me apart? You gave me the experience of the most miserable relationship ever. Sure it was nice, but too bad it wasn’t sincere. On your part anyway. Did you really think I suspected nothing? I was just hoping that I was wrong about those red flags. I should’ve just listened to my gut instincts and save myself from all the hurt that you have put upon my fragile heart. After all you did, you still talk as though the fault was all mine. Seriously, you are absolutely completely heartless. Despite your deadly poison, I’m glad I can emerge as the “phoenix” I hope to be and managed to pull through and become my true self that you never did accept (fuck you). And here I say to you, Mr R, good riddance! I’m normally not this mean, but YOU, my devil’s ass of a “friend”, can go die and rot in fucking hell. Heard of karma? You. Will. Pay.

Mr D:
Aiyoyo, ah boy. Up til the end also you don’t seem to wake up and realise. Didn’t you make me your “sister” because I make sense? Why did you have to make it weird by making it obvious that you had a huge crush on me just because I cared lol. I’ve been there, done that. I could see that it was not real, why couldn’t you just stop and listen when I say that you’re still young? Responding badly by saying that you’re old at age 25 with a bunch of irrelevant and illogical explainations just proves just how young I think you are. Quarter Life Crisis, remember? I thought I told you. There’s so much more to life and the world than just finding a life partner to settle down with. Open up your baby boy eyes and just freaking SEE it, will you? Oh, and to go off topic and bringing up my dog, my dad, and religion? That offense was so not cool, kid.

Mr C:
You still linger on in my mind all the while. I was in denial of it because I was so determined to get over it. Oh, I was so so young. I’m still somewhat very young. In the sense that I don’t know what to do. Or maybe I’m mature enough now that I’m afraid of the consequences, therefore holding myself back. Sometimes I miss you to the point that I question myself about why I did what I did. It seemed like the best idea at the time, but now I’m not so sure anymore. Our memories are still strong in my mind, I can’t deny. I just want you to know I’ve always wanted to know how you’re doing, but was too egoistic to ask you myself. At least I finally admit and broke the ice. But how much do I have to hint for you to initiate something? I’ve been having one thought since a long time, and that is “How come you don’t come look for me?” I didn’t know what to expect if you did, but I wished you did anyway. Sigh.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Some things I go through in life huh? Lol. Way to go, Quarter Life Crisis! Way to go, Universe! XD

Roxiie’s been refusing to eat since she got here, but finally today she willingly finished her food. Also her behaviour damn strange. Absolutely berserk one minute, then goes to the corner and curls up with a sad face. Then when I wanted to go leave her alone, she jumps again and go crazily clingy. I figured out today why she’s behaving like that. She’s in heat =_=”’ Aiya, already mehhh… Can’t wait another month so that I can get her spayed first ah… Lol. Gonna call the vet in the morning to ask if I can still bring her for checkup if she’s in heat.

On another note, it’s funny how some people can give you frustration and amusement at the same time. I never really think that a person in this day and age would spend their youth this way. Sad to see some people in the Generation Y to have a shallow mindset like that. There’s so much more in life, I wish they would just look further than what’s in front of their eyes and freaking see the bigger picture. Another pot that calls the kettle black, what the hell. Or… the black pot forcing the brass kettle to think that it is also black lol. Or both

Maybe I’ll elaborate later if I feel like it… For now, second half for Portugal vs Brazil~!!! *runs downstairs to watch*

I realised something. I was ‘away’ from the company for almost 2 years, and I return to see half of the familiar faces still around, and another half of new faces. I have nothing much to say about the new faces, because I don’t really know them until recently lol. But the old faces that I already do know since 4 years ago… Oh my god. Single ones got married. Recently married ones are pregnant. Long time married ones have babies now. So I missed all the “excitement” lol. I feel a little out of place, being the (probably) only single one among the colleagues that I’m familiar with lol. They discuss about their weddings, husbands, pregnancies, births, and children experiences. I got literally nothing to share about those topics lol. Hrmphs *rests chin on hand* when’s MY turn?

Sometimes just have to be mean to get the message across. Because some people just don’t get it. I know it’s not intentional, but the things they do just seems to push me to have no choice but to be a little mean. I don’t like to be like this, but this is just something that I have to do. Just hope for some understanding and no hard feelings. I know I’m expected to just trust whatever I hear, but I can’t. It’s just not that simple. I’ve not seen everything in the world, but I believe that I’ve seen enough to know roughly what is going on and what it’s about. Kinda irks me a little that some guys generalise girls as being the same, then some guys think that girls nowadays are still gullible to sweet talk, and some guys don’t even respect a girl like they should.

Things don’t really go the way you’d think it would be, huh? Well, that’s just life, kids. Tough. It’s worth to take some time off and see things from the bigger picture.

Sometimes it’s just so hard. I wanna be firm on a different approach and I’m actually all ego about it that I don’t mess it up. As tough and strong as I am, I’m still soft in some ways. I’m determined to do things my way now, but things happen that makes this shaky for me. And I hate it that it’s so hard to keep to one thing. Especially when people won’t cooperate lol.

It’s so fucked up when I start to feel something that I shouldn’t. Kinda hate it that it sneaks up to me like that. And I can’t trust the feeling. But it’s still there, despite being ignored. Distractions are oh, so temporary. Sigh, don’t know what to do about it sometimes. I was so determined not to let things like this bother me anymore, but it still does! And I don’t even know why! Annoying as hell when I can’t figure it out.

Still in the midst of QLC (quarter life crisis). I’m starting to understand it but at times things just go complicated all over again.

I wish I know the absolute truth. Then maybe I would be at peace again. Or not. Shall I confront or just wait in confusion?

Feels so stupid to be like this. I’m not a kid anymore, I should know what to do, but why do I not? >.<

Is it just me, or is time ticking by really fast these days? My goodness, almost half of the year already! I remember about 10 years ago or so, I was hoping for time to go faster so that I could be a grown up soon. Now that I am, time doesn’t seem to be slowing down! But you know what? At this age, it feels that life has just begun. For me anyway. Given just a year ago, my judgement on things would be different from my mindset right now. And even more different from the previous years. It’s funny to think about it sometimes lol. I didn’t realise things when it was happening and was constantly in denial. Now it feels like it was so stupid lol. But I guess that’s just life, right? We fall and we get up, and we learn and we improve.

I’m not sure if I’m making any sense now cause I’m strangely tired, and it’s barely even 9.30pm lol.

Oh, Sis is boarding the plane soon, will see her in the morning ^^ It’s a bit weird this time around because for the first time, Bro isn’t here when she is lol. Yippee, what shall the CJ sisters do this time without the annoying little brother ^^ Haha! Lots of late night drinks, I presume hehe.

Sometimes I wonder, how has the world evolved and advanced in such a way that people can’t be trusted so easily anymore? There seems to be a very low level of sincerity and innocence in the society nowadays. It really is a dog-eat-dog world out there. Every man (or woman) for him(or her)self. But then again, one can never know, right? There are a minority of them who really are purer at heart than others, those without motives and intentions. But how do you know? How to be sure, for sure??

You wish to be one who puts absolute trust on the people around you, because it’s the positive thing to do. But you can’t afford to trust them so easily, for fear of being hurt should that trust be broken. Because when something seems too good to be true, it probably really is too good to be true, but maybe it isn’t really as what you think. Oh, you wish to be an optimist and have only positive thoughts in your head. But the society will attack you for exactly that! To survive in this world, especially in the city, even an optimist will need to be prepared with some sort of doubt to protect oneself.

Because the world is eeeeevil XD Heh heh…

Now… Would you agree with me if I say that promises mean nothing these days? Absolutely nothing at all. It’s way too easy to promise something. It’s also easy to forget the promises you have given. The only people who would remember the promises are the taken-for-granted recipients of the promises. And these are precisely the people who had put in the trust that those promises would be fulfilled, only to be hurt and disappointed in the end. How can one trust another empty promise?

“Ok ok, I promise, trust me!”
“I’ll do this and that, I will, I promise you.”
“Just trust me on this one, alright?”

So so cliche to give that kind of false hope. Regardless of whether the matter is big or small, trust is not something to toy around with. Trust needs to be earned, not promised! Once that trust is earned, for goodness sake, treasure it, appreciate it! Don’t go fucking around with it, because once it’s broken, it will never ever be mended wholly again. Ever. You can try, by making MORE promises. But you will never get that sort of trust anymore. Believe me you, that’s how much damage it makes.

I promise that I’m speaking the truth here. Trust me. Lol XD