Home of Jules

Let this be the last and final angry post.

What makes a bad boyfriend. In no particular order:

~ One who cries crocodile tears just to win you over.

~ One who lies his way to get you soft-hearted and trust his sincerity.

~ One who keeps you hanging on when he just doesn’t feel it anymore.

~ One who controls your impromptu activities to the point that you are forced to bluff.

~ One who tells you that he hates a girl who smokes, drinks, and clubs, when he knew from the start that you do.

~ One who insults your hobbies/ interests/ activities, just because he doesn’t understand it.

~ One who does not support and/or encourage you when you’re at your lowest moments.

~ One who calls you crazy when you cry during your lowest moments.

~ One who absolutely refuses to meet any of your friends and/or family.

~ One who gets upset at you when you don’t fight against your parents to project his ‘good’ image.

~ One who doesn’t accept you as who/what you are and tries to mould you into something that he wants.

~ One who makes you cook for him even when you don’t really feel like it.

~ One when asked, keeps on says “anything” or “whatever”, then complains about not getting the chance to have his way.

~ One whom you can’t rely on to help you with something important.

~ One who gets mad at you when you get upset that he’s unreliable.

~ One who asks you to give wake up calls, then get mad for being awaken up, and doesn’t wake up until several hours later, and gets mad when you get upset that the wake up calls are pointless.

~ One who sleeps throughout the day when you’re supposed to be spending time together, and gets upset when you wake him up so that you could do something together.

~ One who, during an argument, drives off when you stormed off to walk alone in the dark streets during the late night.

~ One who completely ignores you as though you’re invisible during a conflict.

~ One who then uses profanities on you when you argue.

~ One who plays computer games and disregards you when you cry by his feet.

~ One who refuses to say anything when you argue in person, but sends you a whole load of toxic texts after.

~ One who keeps you in hiding from his family but expects you to have the guts to get out of the room and introduce yourself.

~ One who never properly introduces you to his friends and family. They must be psychic to know your name.

~ One who wants to get a pet, asks you to go fetch it, and then disregards it and makes you in charge of taking care of it.

~ One who loses his temper directly at you in front of all his relatives during his birthday party.

~ One who calls you stupid when you accidentally did something wrong.

~ One who says ‘I love you’ when you know he doesn’t mean it.

~ One who doesn’t see the changes you make about yourself just to make him happy.

~ One who borrows money from you.

~ One who makes you swap belongings for his own benefit, and gets upset when you protest/disagree.

~ One who doesn’t take care of your things when you willingly lend it to him.

~ One who breaks up with you by text/msn.

And more! Now…

What makes a bad ex-boyfriend. In no particular order:

~ One who tells his friends that his decision to break up was because of your parents objection.

~ One who blocks you on Facebook when he should’ve went straight to the delete button.

~ One who tells you that you will be ‘friends forever’, and then disappears himself.

~ One who confronts you over your trashing about the things he has done you wrong with.

~ One who hurts you further by telling you all the goodness about his new girl and how you don’t even qualify to be compared.

~ One who laughs at you for still being obedient to your parents and believing that they matter the most.

~ One who tells you that you should physically look like a typical girl (long hair and skirts), or else no man would want you.

~ One who still has the nerve to pick on the wrongs that you have done when they don’t even match up to the wrongs that he has done.

~ One who shamelessly shows off stuff when you’re not even interested to know.

~ One who tells you that you are a nobody who means nothing.

And more!

Firstly. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t wanna meet him again. Even when we contact through texting, something about his tone just makes me angry. Stupid angry sarcasm from a cold-hearted egoistic male, ouch. It’s already over, but it still disappoints, especially when it feels like I don’t know him anymore. Anyway, yeah, I did NOT have the choice, since he insisted that he’s around when I go pick up Roxiie. Don’t know what for, since he didn’t acknowledge me nor my chica, neither did he help much with the pick up, neither did he bother to say bye to the doggie. So much for courtesy, it’s like a pot calling a kettle black.

Aaanyway! Yay, she’s here! She’s finally here! Went to fetch her last night, with the help of Jocey (thanks babe!). She went absolutely berserk when she saw me. Awww she still remembers me ^^ Me and Jocey were both glad that she’s a calm and sweet dog during her first car ride. She’s not really a barking type of dog, so she’s quiet except when she wants to get your attention. But of course she was a bit howly and whiny during her first night alone in a strange new place. Poor baby hehe. The only thing annoying is that she likes to stand up on her hind legs and ‘hug’ ur arms with her front paws, and do nothing lol.

Dad built her a little shelter at the back porch, at the area where she eats and sleeps. Ok, it’s not so “little” lol. See, looks quite nice huh.

How come Roxiie is not inside posing with it? Well, cause she can’t stay still for long. Plus, she’s always peeking from the window into the house haha! She’s juuuuust tall enough XD
“Hello!”

Walking her in the evening after work is quite therapeutic for me. For half an hour, my mind is actually without thoughts. Just me and my dog, taking a walk outdoors. Pulling her in from chasing cars, distract her from other dogs barking at her, neighbourhood kids making noise at the sight of a dog lol. And for the first time in the few years since we moved to the area, I talked to a neighbour of my generation lol. Even though she lives just across the street, but we’ve never had the reason to speak to each other XD It’s true that dog owners become friends when they cross paths walking their dogs. Hmm… Shall I walk further next time and see if I can bump into a hot single male walking his dog? XP

Sometimes it’s just so hard. I wanna be firm on a different approach and I’m actually all ego about it that I don’t mess it up. As tough and strong as I am, I’m still soft in some ways. I’m determined to do things my way now, but things happen that makes this shaky for me. And I hate it that it’s so hard to keep to one thing. Especially when people won’t cooperate lol.

It’s so fucked up when I start to feel something that I shouldn’t. Kinda hate it that it sneaks up to me like that. And I can’t trust the feeling. But it’s still there, despite being ignored. Distractions are oh, so temporary. Sigh, don’t know what to do about it sometimes. I was so determined not to let things like this bother me anymore, but it still does! And I don’t even know why! Annoying as hell when I can’t figure it out.

Still in the midst of QLC (quarter life crisis). I’m starting to understand it but at times things just go complicated all over again.

I wish I know the absolute truth. Then maybe I would be at peace again. Or not. Shall I confront or just wait in confusion?

Feels so stupid to be like this. I’m not a kid anymore, I should know what to do, but why do I not? >.<

The only people who fully understand in detail about what I’ve been going through lately and even before are Jocey and Iks. I didn’t think I need to explain myself to everyone else in my life, but now I feel kind of misunderstood. Maybe it seems uncanny that some of my actions seem to follow through with things that happened, but more often than not, they really are just coincidences

I really don’t need people to remind me and point out the shit in the past, and then nag me to recover or improve myself. Neither do I need them to constantly remind me how old I am and that time flies by. I thank them for the concern and I understand their well meaning, really. But they should really try to ask me about how’s life and try understanding thoroughly first beforehand. Because I’m telling you now, I clarify that I DO realise and I AM trying to heal. I may be stubborn and rebellious, but I’m not oblivious, hello?

I do know that I spent 2009 in a lost feeling of self-doubt. Trying to pick myself up from a break up, and hating my job… Did some really crazy and unnecessary things that I don’t like to mention. I’m sure that those people who know what I did disapprove lol. Come to think of it, somehow I lost myself. Haven’t really been truly myself, and NOW I realise it :/ Things really could have been better, but I guess that’s just a huge bump on the road in life.

I feel like I’ve awaken from a very long confusing dream. Bit by bit, step by step, I’m picking myself up now. I’m happier than I’ve ever been for a while. I’m getting back my attitude that gives me that sort of ‘crazy’ personality, that makes me truly me. I’m doing things as I like it. I have tried to change myself to seem like a better person, or rather, a “good girl”. But after almost a year, I just can’t because I feel unhappy to be unable to be me! This comes to a realisation that no matter how much I try or want to change myself, I won’t be able to do it, as change will only happen gradually in life in a very slow pace by will. Chin Julie will always be Chin Julie. Mind-speaking, impromptu, rebellious, unexpected, unpredictable. You can take it or leave it. I know I may not exactly be the easiest person to tolerate, so I appreciate you guys, who have always stood by me no matter what, and accepting me as the untypical creature that I am. Keyword, untypical lol. I definitely am not If you know me well enough, you’d get it.

Anyway… Me being me, I do things MY way. I know there’s a million ways that I could’ve tried to improve life for myself, but that’s just not how I roll. One person’s honey may be another person’s poison, right? I don’t announce every damn thing that’s on my mind. The only way that it’s out of my system is when I speak with my chicas, and rarely anyone else. Not in such detail anyway. I hate it when people think they know, but they really don’t. Then when I tell them otherwise, they insist that their opinion is right. Erm, I think I know myself better than you do? I’m not explaining myself, I’m merely telling it as it is! When they keep insisting that I’m being like this and that, which I’m not, it gets a little offensive, but I don’t want to argue. What to do? Sigh, talk to the hand, please…

But… Every opinion to oneself, right? Ok ok, I don’t blame them la, cause I didn’t really update my progress with those people all along. It’s ok if they don’t believe me, but sometimes I wish they could just take my word for it and trust that I really do know I’m doing. I may seem distraught at times but I do have a plan in my head. Just that I don’t like talking about it for no reason because there’s no point anyway haha.

And for the last time… Yes, I’m really fine

Darling is in Singapore for a few days and although I don’t see him on weekdays anyway, yet I’m still missing him a lot more for the fact that he’s much farther away from me. And also less contact due to the crazy roaming charges… I feel lonely I want my boyfriend!

Sometimes I wish my parents had sent me to Chinese school during my primary years. Instead I went to government “Malay” schools for both primary and secondary. Sure, my BM is awesome for a Chinese person. But I can’t speak Mandarin fluently, and I can’t read and write at all. It’s my own mother tongue, for goodness sake lol. But I’m thankful that I converse in Cantonese well, at least… But really, not knowing how to read the language kind of sucks, because many of my friends type in Chinese and I don’t understand shit what they’re saying XD the pathetic few words that I do know how to read aren’t enough at all to make up an actual sentence… Sigh. Xuan le ba, I’ll just type in pinyin

I hate being on an emotional roller coaster I feel so… unstable… x)

It’s like… I’m ok. But I’m not. But then I am. Just that I’m really not. Although I am. So just leave me alone. Can you teman me? But don’t kacau me, ok? Just stay by my side. And go far a bit.

Get it yet? It’s called PMS hahahaha XD

I can has break and goes on holiday nao? Nyuuuhuhu~

Warning, confusing post ahead. Proceed with caution. Readers with low patience for gibberish are advised to discontinue. Lol

It’s tough being human. To be a decent person, one has to be aware of the situation and be able to twist things around to make it work without offending others. But then again, most of the time, this action prevents one from being absolutely true to oneself. It’s like, there’s a certain way one wishes one’s life would be, but if one goes that way, the others around one will not be very pleased. If things go wrong, one gets blamed for it for not listening to others. When in fact one blames no one about it as it’s just another bump on the road. How long can one live one’s life to please others before one breaks down? Some can do it, but nevertheless, it’s tough. Like running an uphill marathon.

It’s also frustrating when others want one to go a certain path in life ‘for one’s own good’, but one does not prefer that path. One understands others’ good intentions, but others want one to do what others think is best regardless whether one thinks so or not. What does one do when others pushed one to make a choice, but one knows that others only wants to hear a certain answer, so there really isn’t much choice given anyway. But yet one still needs to make a decision, regardless, whether to please others or be true to oneself and do what one wishes.

One will be happy if one gets to do things one’s way. Certain others would be happy too, however, certain others would be very upset. Win some, lose some. But how does one know which of the others to please? Certain others may feel betrayed if one chooses something that the other certain others favor, although it’s solely one’s decision. One does not wish to lose any of the others, but not all of the others can see the same views on certain things involving one. In the end, one is stuck in the middle of all of the others. Like a single worm being pecked by a flock of birds.

There’s no right way nor wrong way, actually. But still, it will be right to certain others and wrong to another certain others anyway. One will always be split in half. It’s actually quite a heartache for one to be stuck like that, and in a way kind of unfair? One might envy other ones who had it easier, but then again one should be grateful for some things that other ones envy about. Sigh, what a complication life is. And full of irony.

One would ask, what is the meaning of life? What to do with one’s life? What is the point for one to be in this world? Why should one run one’s life in the way of others’ wishes? Does one not have the right of control over one’s own choices in life? Why should one suffer the consequences of guilt and whatnot for not heeding certain others’ words? Why like this? What is the universe doing by crowding one with others and others? When will one get what one deserves? Does one even deserve what one wishes?

One is not making sense to others lol.

I think I’ve blogged before how 24 hours in a day isn’t enough. There just simple isn’t enough time to do everything in a day, or a week, or a month even. Of course priorities come first, and procrastinate on everything else. Sucks, right? Most of the time is taken up by work work work. Got lots of stuff I wanna do but there just ain’t enough time to spare!

I want more time to…

* Practise my guitar, especially electric. I’m learning in a very slow pace, and I wonder how long it will take before I could actually play a full song with minimal/no mistakes. I know practice makes perfect, but I think the more accurate line would be regular practice make perfect. Ideally I would like to play everyday, but… sigh. Parents complain noisy pulak when I play at night ^^”’

* Cook/Bake. My brother cooks better than me haha. He actually knows how to cook more dishes than me, I feel so pathetic I should learn new dishes soon now that Mommy is here. I wanna learn to cook braised mushroom and chicken! With peanuts! XD Hmm I haven’t been baking in a looong time. I don’t bother cause if I start to buy the ingredients for ONE bake session, I have to soon have a couple more bake sessions to use up the ingredients before they go bad, like maggots in flour (curious how they came to be). Who has time to bake every week :/

* Go back to painting and drawing. I’ve been meaning to sketch Lackadaisy Cats characters for the Chicahood, but I keep putting it off lol. I didn’t forget, girls Just couldn’t find that time cause it takes a while to finish a piece of art, and I don’t like stopping halfway because it’s hard to continue where I left off. I need a few hours straight, no interruptions. To at least finish the complete draft.

* Create more artsy stuff? It’s been on my mind a looong time to buy another pair of cheap white canvas shoes to paint. This time with pink paint hehe. Or sequins Also been a long time since I made a new mini plushie. I owe Jocey some piggies, I remember haha. And Iks wants another kittykat too.

* Resurrect Buibui? Lol, ’nuff said

With so many things that I wanna do, how do I decide which to do first should I have the spare time? Nowadays I always opt for guitar as first priority lol. Which leads me to procrastinate even more on the other stuff… Meh.